Het is niet dat ik word mishandeld of iets zoals dat het is meer dat er nu voor mij geen ouders zijn en ik dit kwijt wil. Het is engels omdat ik het had gestuurd naar iemand anders maar ik wil het ook hier kwijt
Okay this can be weird to read cause english but I'm gonna try my best ig. Okay i have an older brother who is 16. I'm 12. My dad is 56 and mom is 48. Pretty old if u ask me.
My mom once said that the time that they really were together was when i was created and was born. With my brother they were focused on letting a baby grow up and stuff and weren't really together ig. It did go downhill since my dad had a "hernia" that's something to your back. He was locked to bed etc. Mom tried to help and my dad got fired from his job. (That was cause the old part of the staff was fired and he got a big bag of money with it) when he was better he decided to start a climbing thing. He sometimes was gone for a week or two. He announced btw like a month ago he stopped from that program. Mom complained abt him being gone from home for long times etc. He just was like drama queen by everything she said. Later my aunt said was clear he would do this on bigger scales. Like saying it didn't matter someone was just being overdramatic etc. He was on his own island you could say. My mom did give up after a while. My parents were there not really. The were home inperson but mentally somewhere else. And ofc we got food and shit but i needed parents and they weren't there. That feeling started mayb when i was like 10. My brother has longer had this shit. But my mom kinda gave up and after a while she created her own island. She worked till deep in the night or did stuff for a certain club. I got that thing from no mom harder cause now i was older and i needed my parents more. My dad not being there was less bad for me. So my mom wasn't there for me and my dad wasn't there for me either.
That made my brother and i grow much much closer than before. (Later i told him that i had cut myself cause i trust him) so the reason why was shitty but atleats it gave me a good thing. So i reached out for parents and got absolutely no reaction on it. This school year i decided to give less fucks abt my parents and what they think etc. End last year they finally decided to go to relation therapy which was much needed. So they started that and they started to try. To try being good parents again. To try making home a happy place again. To try to make me happy again. They started now to reach out for me. But i didn't give a fuck anymore and i closed myself. I locked my hearts feelings towards them. I locked myself in my room for hours. When i would go to friends i would burn bright again. I would be a loud funny girl again. And when my parents came around again that flame would always die. They ofc noticed but i don't think they know what to do rn. I'm rn at my aunts house. I like it way better here. She gets me much better then my parents. Home became sad and anger now. And pain. My room and bed a place to try and be alone out of the whole house. I would go downstairs for dinner. But i didn't like it. At all. So i would after school stay there till around 5. Theni would be forced to go home. They try to do fun family shit. But almost every time they have to force me to join or i say no and they leave me alone. What doesn't help is that my brother has many friends and can quickly get to them. He also has a job and hockey. My friends are like 16km away.
I had one friend who lived closer but she was kinda toxic i think. But my brother is maybe 2 times in the week at home for dinner. So I'm much alone with my parents and if he leaves at 18 i would be stuck here for 4 more years. My parents know something is going on. My grades are going downhill and my happiness too. I couldn't care less abt school if i didn't wanna do Cambridge. If that dream is also crushed i will be happy enough with a 5,5. What doesn't help is that my mom used me as a pr talk. I had done an IQ test and it said i was highly intelligent. I was going to a different school and skipped a grade. Now my grades are going down hill. She now can't use me anymore. She would also make it always look like we had the perfect happy family. If perfect is broken apart she is absolutely right. They will do a lot rn cause they want their oh so happy girl back. Well fuck u she isn't coming back. That's the same with my grandma. She thinks I'm still that happy bright 9 year old. Who loved her granny and loved being there. No I'm almost 12 and my grandma is toxic af. She always wants all the attention. She almost acts like a little child. An example was when my aunts son died. My grandma almost acted like her child died. She always annoys the fuck outta me. Or when she comes visit without saying anything. I don't wanna open up to my parents anymore. Last we had a talk and i said i did sumthing and i probably will never tell u. My mom kept pushing abt what it was. They left me as nothing for the last year. I'm not just forgetting that. I'm not gonna attempt to open up for a while since i wanna let them sit as they did with me. (This thing is long holy shit) ialso cut my hair in an impulse. That would 2 years ago me never do. Not even think abt it. I don't give a fuck anymore what the bitches in my class whisper. They can rot in hell if u ask me.
Lately I've been much on social media. Like tiktok and discord. (Does wattpad count?) I made much new friends. My parents don't get the whole thing and probably think most of those people online are 70 year old people wanting n*des. How do i explain that ofc social media is dangerous but so is the world. If i walk on the street at 2pm someone with a gun could run up to us and sh00t me. The world isn't save get that in that thick skull of yours. The agent03 (a fanfic) server rn gives me much happiness. I know it can't be healthy something online can provide me happiness but if the real world with people i know irl doesn't provide me happiness doesn't that say sumthing abt the people around me or even the world. I have great friends. I don't want others. But we only know eachother for 6 months were 2 months were lockdown and the first 3 months u thought i was the weirdo out of the class. I know that i know the people online less but i talk so much to them. If parents take away a phone and laptop whil it's clear that that provides happiness the what are u doing as parent? I'm never gonna tell them i cut. Even when it becomes a problem. They will just look at me like I'm crazy and never look at me the same. It wasn't an one time thing btw. I just feel disappointed. In myself. My parents. Society. And again myself. I never asked for this mess. Why couldn't i just be a normal person. Why did i have to gst thrown in this mess.
